Life is so full of uncertainties, worries and pain.
Since I was a kid, I already felt the difficulty of living well in this world. With all the sicknesses and struggles I have witnessed, it opened my eyes how this world was contaminated with sin and haughtiness. I considered myself as one of the privileged ones who grew up in a surrounding where Jesus was known. I was not ignorant about what the Bible is all about because people around me used to tell stories even when I was so young. But then, I was like among the other individuals who continued to live in sin. Concealing my sin was what I used to do. I was afraid that people would know. I felt guilty but chose to ignore it. I kept doing sinful things though I’ve been told not to do it. My conscience was out of nowhere and that I chose to follow my own desires like deceiving people, stealing things, telling lies, watching pornographic articles, hurting, blaming & betraying others.
Myriad of sins were rolling down on the list. It seems that what the church and godly people taught me were useless for I could not really apply those teachings in my life. I saw no changes though I wanted to. I struggled with it but did not know how to overcome it. The decision to change my way of life which became my defense mechanism was so hard to do. It means giving up all that I wanted and that I would finally live a life without them.
When I was approaching my adolescent years, something happened that truly shook all that I am. It was during the summer of the year 2003. I was finally overwhelmed with my guilt and so ashamed of myself. I felt that I was so stupid and that I was of no use anymore. I became lonely and so weak. My being was filled with sadness and hopelessness. I was totally disturbed with wrong and negative thoughts that affected even my physical body.
At first, my family brought me to the hospital but nothing happened and so my father brought me to “albularyo”. Instead of getting well, I got worse. It was because I was actually mentally disturbed. It’s a terrifying condition that I began to hate the people around me. I started to think that I should get rid of myself. I lost my joy of living and always at the sad state and had the feeling that no one loves me, that I was all alone. I was filled up with lies and voices that I was worthless. I wanted to die. I did not want to live like that. I was afraid. I was so troubled. Helplessness seemed to be the only friend of mine.
But all has changed since that day; a day when I encountered Him. It was a cloudy day of May 12 of the same year when I learned the true meaning of life. I was in my gloomy room looking back my happy days and wondering if ever I could experience it again. Then a very special person in my life came in and asked me what’s really happening with me why I was not joining with my cousins in their games. She told me to come and enjoy my time. Instead of following her words, I just cried as I looked at her. I told her about what I was feeling and wanted to be happy again. Her response was not like what I was expecting. She began to speak about this Man, the Man whose name I almost forgot during my disruptive days. As she mentioned His Name, my eyes where opened and that I wanted to know more about this Man. She told me that He is the only begotten Son of God. He came down from heaven, suffered and died on the cross, raised up to life and then ascended to heaven to prepare a place for me and be coming back to get me. That Man did it all for me! Eventually, I sensed love. I sensed care. I sensed the joy and peace that I was looking for. She led me into a prayer of acceptance. With tears rolling down through my face, I knelt down to my knees as I followed after her. It was so different. I just caught in the new atmosphere. I felt so different. I have seen hope in the name of Jesus. Because of Him, I have a reason to live. He is my reason to live.
After that day, I saw changes in me. I was not the same anymore. Through ups and downs of my life, I have learned to depend on Him. I’m not perfect and I am still in the process. I saw the Lord’s working hands upon me starting the day I surrendered my life to Him. I live a life with hope despite the problems and worries. It’s by His grace that I have learned to say no to my selfish desires. By His power, I can overcome any circumstance that seems so impossible to carry. Everything that I am and have now is because of Him. My heart is full of gratitude as I recall all that He had done for me. Nothing could ever change the fact that only God can truly change a person’s heart.
For the past 9 years that I am in the Lord, I allowed myself to be used by Him in various ways that He prepared for me to do. It’s a great privilege that during my college life, I spent my 4 years serving the Lord through the ministry of PSALM.
It’s by the strength of God that I enjoyed winning souls and discipling them. Until now, I am still committed to continue my service to Him as a PSALMIST. I believe in His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me. Nothing could ever separate me from His love. It’s Jesus who did this to me. His love for me is the main reason why I never give up.
Because my hope is in Him, I keep on moving on. Like that of a servant waiting for his master, I will be patiently waiting for the coming of the Lord. There in heaven, I will spend my eternity worshipping the Most Gracious and Loving Lord of all. To Him are the glory, honor and praises. Amen.
Ms. Charmaine Grace M. Sevilla, one of the alumni of PSALM NDU in Cotabato City. She has been serving the Lord in the ministry of PSALM in her 4 years stay in Notre Dame University. Truly, a LEADER maker! She has discipled and nurtured leaders who are now actively serving the Lord through PSALM.
PSALM Alumni Corner
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